Not contented.
Usually I'm a contented person, at least this year I am. But today, me = not con-ten-ted.
*note - below is a rant by a permanently sleep-deficient person who's on the verge of losing her temper with whoever's the next person who gets on her nerves.
I go through life usually, wondering why others are not contented and in the process they make themselves unhappy or dissatisfied with what life has offered them. To be easily contented is a fast route to happiness, or so I think.
"比上不足，比下有余" (a chinese phrase meaning something to the effect of "having less than the more fortunate/ better-off people and more then the less fortunate / worse-off people"..) is what my mother always said. I didn't agree with what she said then, as I told her, why compare with people who have less, why not compare with those who have more? But of course as the years passed I knew what she meant. When I talk about comparing, I don't just mean material things eg wealth/cash etc.
I'm generally contented, materially that is. More than satisfied with what I have (being in uni, having healthy family, roof over all our heads etc). But otherwise, of late, I've been feeling deficient in some aspects of life. No, not sleep-deficient (that phase is yet to pass). Ever get the feeling where your life consists of valleys and peaks and you feel things going downwards? To be at a point in time where one looks back and realises that we have failed to achieve more, to get more out of precious (and short) life? There's so much I want to do, yet so little time, and ay, precious little resources. When the time comes for us to pass this world by, what can we reflect on a lifetime gone? What sort of mark do we leave behind on other people's lives? Incredible friendships, special relationships? or more like a wisp of smoke, disappearing quickly and leaving no mark?
Alot of questions, but few answers.
These few days have just been filled with depressing thoughts, prob thats why I'm left pondering over stupid questions with no immediate answers. Just completed another assignment, due tomorrow and then its on to the next one. After a full day of sitting in front of harsh lighting (ceiling light not fixed yet), with the prospect of another full night up being occupied with work, its enough to make anyone depressed. Having weird lonely dreams when I get to sleep is spooking me as well (yes i get quirky lonely dreams)..
To add to this baddd week -
Had heated conversations with the admin people (all fellow M'sians) over the (super-lagging) internet and for the first time in a long long time, felt like losing my temper. I'm usually described by most friends as "calm" BTW. Conclusion - for the foreseeable future till forever actually, I'll be getting Internet speeds probably worse than dial-up. I paid to get broadband, and they're certainly unable to offer that to me.
Its NOT MY fault they're splitting the line to SO MANY people. Basically what they're doing now is restricting how we use the Internet. WEI we're paying to get the service. As to how we choose to use it is of no concern to them. Its like having you paying your ISP to have them tell you - "you all can't use so much la, for normal surfing the speed's enough", which is essentially what they're telling me.
The guy in charge of Internet explained the technical details of usage etc to me, which I fully comprehend. Although I'm not so proficient in tech stuff, at least I'm not dim-witted. I understand of course there's not enough speed going around for everyone if everyone is a heavy user. My point about the whole thing was - if you split the line between WAY too many people, there's definitely not enough "cake" to go around, even for normal surfing like checking mail and downloading notes. Splitting the users into 2 lines will definitely improve things, at least a little. You overload the number of people using a single line then definitely the connection will hang. He started on the (hardware/installation) cost of getting another line, aggravating me further. Our concern is to get a well-functioning line. We PAY THEM for supposingly-faster internet bcos they didn't allow each of us to apply for our own phone lines. If initially they didn't plan properly for the number of users, are we to blame?
The ISP they chose aren't helping things as well. He did a testing of the max speed possible with the best equipment he had, and the max amount he got was a bare 60%. Thats plain pathetic. Theoretically he said the line can support X number of users but in REALITY the connection's maxed out at 60% (and thats at best speed).
So a simple calculation they should actually do is divide X number of users by that same proportion to get an accurate idea of how many users the line can support!! He further explains due to my and some others using 802.11b (wireless protocol), we're gonna be each getting 10-20kbps at best.???
The conversation ended with me feeling abit incredulous with their way of doing things. No foreseeable improvements, unless I shift elsewhere. But its not feasible to get another line when I've only one semester left here. Catch-22 situation.
*note - below is a rant by a permanently sleep-deficient person who's on the verge of losing her temper with whoever's the next person who gets on her nerves.
I go through life usually, wondering why others are not contented and in the process they make themselves unhappy or dissatisfied with what life has offered them. To be easily contented is a fast route to happiness, or so I think.
"比上不足，比下有余" (a chinese phrase meaning something to the effect of "having less than the more fortunate/ better-off people and more then the less fortunate / worse-off people"..) is what my mother always said. I didn't agree with what she said then, as I told her, why compare with people who have less, why not compare with those who have more? But of course as the years passed I knew what she meant. When I talk about comparing, I don't just mean material things eg wealth/cash etc.
I'm generally contented, materially that is. More than satisfied with what I have (being in uni, having healthy family, roof over all our heads etc). But otherwise, of late, I've been feeling deficient in some aspects of life. No, not sleep-deficient (that phase is yet to pass). Ever get the feeling where your life consists of valleys and peaks and you feel things going downwards? To be at a point in time where one looks back and realises that we have failed to achieve more, to get more out of precious (and short) life? There's so much I want to do, yet so little time, and ay, precious little resources. When the time comes for us to pass this world by, what can we reflect on a lifetime gone? What sort of mark do we leave behind on other people's lives? Incredible friendships, special relationships? or more like a wisp of smoke, disappearing quickly and leaving no mark?
Alot of questions, but few answers.
These few days have just been filled with depressing thoughts, prob thats why I'm left pondering over stupid questions with no immediate answers. Just completed another assignment, due tomorrow and then its on to the next one. After a full day of sitting in front of harsh lighting (ceiling light not fixed yet), with the prospect of another full night up being occupied with work, its enough to make anyone depressed. Having weird lonely dreams when I get to sleep is spooking me as well (yes i get quirky lonely dreams)..
To add to this baddd week -
Had heated conversations with the admin people (all fellow M'sians) over the (super-lagging) internet and for the first time in a long long time, felt like losing my temper. I'm usually described by most friends as "calm" BTW. Conclusion - for the foreseeable future till forever actually, I'll be getting Internet speeds probably worse than dial-up. I paid to get broadband, and they're certainly unable to offer that to me.
Its NOT MY fault they're splitting the line to SO MANY people. Basically what they're doing now is restricting how we use the Internet. WEI we're paying to get the service. As to how we choose to use it is of no concern to them. Its like having you paying your ISP to have them tell you - "you all can't use so much la, for normal surfing the speed's enough", which is essentially what they're telling me.
The guy in charge of Internet explained the technical details of usage etc to me, which I fully comprehend. Although I'm not so proficient in tech stuff, at least I'm not dim-witted. I understand of course there's not enough speed going around for everyone if everyone is a heavy user. My point about the whole thing was - if you split the line between WAY too many people, there's definitely not enough "cake" to go around, even for normal surfing like checking mail and downloading notes. Splitting the users into 2 lines will definitely improve things, at least a little. You overload the number of people using a single line then definitely the connection will hang. He started on the (hardware/installation) cost of getting another line, aggravating me further. Our concern is to get a well-functioning line. We PAY THEM for supposingly-faster internet bcos they didn't allow each of us to apply for our own phone lines. If initially they didn't plan properly for the number of users, are we to blame?
The ISP they chose aren't helping things as well. He did a testing of the max speed possible with the best equipment he had, and the max amount he got was a bare 60%. Thats plain pathetic. Theoretically he said the line can support X number of users but in REALITY the connection's maxed out at 60% (and thats at best speed).
So a simple calculation they should actually do is divide X number of users by that same proportion to get an accurate idea of how many users the line can support!! He further explains due to my and some others using 802.11b (wireless protocol), we're gonna be each getting 10-20kbps at best.???
The conversation ended with me feeling abit incredulous with their way of doing things. No foreseeable improvements, unless I shift elsewhere. But its not feasible to get another line when I've only one semester left here. Catch-22 situation.
posted by xaverri at 10:08 pm
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