messy thoughts at 4.32am

Again, an early post. Its the middle of exam period and my concentration's been shot to bits.
Keep asking myself these few days - whatever happened to my concentration? where's the focus?? where's the discipline? More days like this and this semester will be deemed a failure.

What's a failure? Failure by whose standards? Not my parents' for sure, as they're not really the sort who gives me pressure over my studies. Of course, they'd much prefer I not fail any units this sem. So any failure is adjudged by me. Myself. Setting my own standards has been my "way" of living/doing things. A close friend has the tendency to compare with others academically, in terms of academic progress, how they complete assignments, tests etc. My opinion is - why always compare? I know, comparison induces improvement, but too much of it is a bother and impedes my own thoughts, hence I rarely indulge in comparisons of that sort. Set my own standards and I'm satisfied if I meet/exceed those.. but now, meeting those standards is a problem 'dy.

I can sit for hours gazing at the same lecture material with no substantial progress, at all. This's alarming, as there're 2 papers next week and lots of things to catch up with. Having a tough semester, with the combination of subjects I chose to take...

Feeling the winds of change, rapidly passing me by. Not that it suddenly struck me that its June already, I've been reminding myself every now and then. One year in Melbourne already and possibly going back in half a year's time.

So many things are changing, faced with increasingly superficial candour which I think is rather meaningless. Faced with disappointments from people. Although I know that 人不可靠 (humans not "reliable") but after all, no man is an island. We need the comfort and company of other humans. Hence always the possibility of being let-down by others.

Where's the passion? I need to love what I do. I've managed to reach a stage where I "like/accept" what I do (and thats a far cry indeed from 2 years ago). When push turns to shove, in times like this, it doesn't get me too far.

Robert Frost o' Robert Frost, how true it was when you wrote this (excerpt from The Road Not Taken) ~

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I'm well aware that dwelling on the past won't help things, so there's the future to look forward to! Its also useful to differentiate between having a baddd day and having a depressed day. I'm just having a badddd day, which most people probably have on Mondays...

After days and days of facing the 4 walls at home, I'm just terribly boooored. The word "bored" was banished from my vocab a year ago, but since then I can't help but dwell on this beastly word. I'm tired. Yes TKL I do get tired, contrary to your opinion. My sleeping hours are so messed up I don't even remember when I get my sleep and when I don't. I need to go out. I need to go somewhere nice, with people I love, with people who understand me. But somehow I think times like these have passed me by. So many changes occuring, relationships changing all the time. People who think they understand me? Well they probably DID understand me, but that was eons ago. Everything's just hovering above the surface now.

Wanna end this rant with one of my fave quotes...by Blake ~

To see a world in a Grain of Sand,

And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,

Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,

And eternity in an hour.