5 essential ingredients to building strong friendships
~ my blog's no longer piiiiink anymore =)
Read this excerpt "Building Strong Friendships" taken from Lee Strobel's book, “God's Outrageous Claims,” (published in 1997 by Zondervan) in the early hours of the morning today..
In it he says -
Some interesting questions to think about after reading that..here's some excerpts from the article..my comments are in "**"..
INGREDIENT 1: AFFINITY---CELEBRATING WHAT WE HOLD IN COMMON
What's the basis on which my friendships with others are formed? What's our common ground? If you took away the activity we share; would our relationship wither? Or do we have the potential of going much deeper, because we share common values?”
**removing common activities with friends makes me think about the "essence" of my friendships. So often, friends are mere "companions" for some activity.. until a level where its becomed a ritual of sorts, simply spending time together.
INGREDIENT 2: ACCEPTANCE---Relating on an “As Is” Basis
David W. Smith describes a plaque that defines friendship this way: “A friend is one who knows you as you are, understands where you've been, accepts who you've become, and still gently invites you to grow.”
But our natural inclination isn't to accept people. We tend to be like the religious leaders of Jesus’ day, who were quick to judge, criticize, and ostracize others. Like them, we want other people to conform to us, so we set up little tests to see whether they measure up.
Yet Proverbs says, “A friend loves at all times.”That doesn't mean we condone our friends’ moral lapses or approve of their character flaws. Instead, it means we follow Christ's example of cherishing people themselves while extending them grace.
The truth is that we're better able to accept others if we stay in touch with our own mistakes, deficiencies, and blunders. It's easier to extend the hand of acceptance to a friend if we imagine our other hand simultaneously reaching out to receive acceptance and forgiveness from Christ for our own sins.
When you're evaluating your relational life, ask yourself what attitude you bring into your friendships---critical and judgmental or accepting and gracious? Do you try to get other people to conform to all of your opinions, or do you celebrate the way they're different from you?
**Inevitably we're all judgmental people... Reminder to self - embrace peoples' differences!
INGREDIENT 3: AUTHENTICITY---FEELING SAFE ENOUGH TO BE REAL
Authenticity begins when one person in the relationship sends up a relational trial balloon by disclosing part of his real self and then cautiously watches to see how the other individual reacts.
If there's affirmation, encouragement, and personal disclosure from the other person, he's apt to continue down the path toward a deeper friendship. If not, he will retreat to safer but superficial grounds.
Going deep requires disclosure. Transparency should be appropriate, equal, and gradual, and it should come after trust and confidentiality have been established, but at some point it has to come, or the relationship will remain shallow and ultimately unfulfilling.
**Quantity NOT equal Quality (of friendships)
INGREDIENT 4: ASSISTANCE---PUTTING OUR FRIENDS FIRST
Too many times people enter relationships with a solely selfish agenda. Someone once said that if Galileo were a baby boomer, he would have concluded that the sun revolves around himself---and unfortunately we all share that egocentric attitude to some degree. But when we enter into a friendship with the explicit goal of getting our own emotional and psychological needs met, we invariably end up disappointed.
Yet here's the irony: when our goal at the outset is to meet the other person's needs---to build up, serve, and support our friend---then we nearly always end up benefiting in the long run.
**Already realized that early on, but does that mean we get any less disappointed when our OWN needs are not met by the other person?? Being "there" for friends can get tiring when they're NOT "there" for you. Its abit like taking and giving.. but humans are still humans. Endless giving can be straining as well.
INGREDIENT 5: AFFIRMATION---CHEERLEADING YOUR FRIEND
Another way to assist a friend is through affirmation. “People have a way of becoming what you encourage them to be,” said U. L. Moody, “not what you nag them to be.”The absence of affirmation can cut deep.
Whatever you do, never assume that your friend---or your spouse and children, for that matter---know how you feel about them. Everyone needs to be told from time to time. Please, don't put it off until you end up regretting your procrastination.
Read this excerpt "Building Strong Friendships" taken from Lee Strobel's book, “God's Outrageous Claims,” (published in 1997 by Zondervan) in the early hours of the morning today..
In it he says -
What are the ingredients in a friendship that's rich and real, caring and enduring, intimate and mutually fulfilling? I've found that there are at least five that are essential in developing ongoing, secure, and satisfying friendships: affinity, acceptance, authenticity, assistance, and affirmation.
INGREDIENT 1: AFFINITY---CELEBRATING WHAT WE HOLD IN COMMON
What's the basis on which my friendships with others are formed? What's our common ground? If you took away the activity we share; would our relationship wither? Or do we have the potential of going much deeper, because we share common values?”
**removing common activities with friends makes me think about the "essence" of my friendships. So often, friends are mere "companions" for some activity.. until a level where its becomed a ritual of sorts, simply spending time together.
INGREDIENT 2: ACCEPTANCE---Relating on an “As Is” Basis
David W. Smith describes a plaque that defines friendship this way: “A friend is one who knows you as you are, understands where you've been, accepts who you've become, and still gently invites you to grow.”
But our natural inclination isn't to accept people. We tend to be like the religious leaders of Jesus’ day, who were quick to judge, criticize, and ostracize others. Like them, we want other people to conform to us, so we set up little tests to see whether they measure up.
Yet Proverbs says, “A friend loves at all times.”That doesn't mean we condone our friends’ moral lapses or approve of their character flaws. Instead, it means we follow Christ's example of cherishing people themselves while extending them grace.
The truth is that we're better able to accept others if we stay in touch with our own mistakes, deficiencies, and blunders. It's easier to extend the hand of acceptance to a friend if we imagine our other hand simultaneously reaching out to receive acceptance and forgiveness from Christ for our own sins.
When you're evaluating your relational life, ask yourself what attitude you bring into your friendships---critical and judgmental or accepting and gracious? Do you try to get other people to conform to all of your opinions, or do you celebrate the way they're different from you?
**Inevitably we're all judgmental people... Reminder to self - embrace peoples' differences!
INGREDIENT 3: AUTHENTICITY---FEELING SAFE ENOUGH TO BE REAL
Authenticity begins when one person in the relationship sends up a relational trial balloon by disclosing part of his real self and then cautiously watches to see how the other individual reacts.
If there's affirmation, encouragement, and personal disclosure from the other person, he's apt to continue down the path toward a deeper friendship. If not, he will retreat to safer but superficial grounds.
Going deep requires disclosure. Transparency should be appropriate, equal, and gradual, and it should come after trust and confidentiality have been established, but at some point it has to come, or the relationship will remain shallow and ultimately unfulfilling.
**Quantity NOT equal Quality (of friendships)
INGREDIENT 4: ASSISTANCE---PUTTING OUR FRIENDS FIRST
Too many times people enter relationships with a solely selfish agenda. Someone once said that if Galileo were a baby boomer, he would have concluded that the sun revolves around himself---and unfortunately we all share that egocentric attitude to some degree. But when we enter into a friendship with the explicit goal of getting our own emotional and psychological needs met, we invariably end up disappointed.
Yet here's the irony: when our goal at the outset is to meet the other person's needs---to build up, serve, and support our friend---then we nearly always end up benefiting in the long run.
**Already realized that early on, but does that mean we get any less disappointed when our OWN needs are not met by the other person?? Being "there" for friends can get tiring when they're NOT "there" for you. Its abit like taking and giving.. but humans are still humans. Endless giving can be straining as well.
INGREDIENT 5: AFFIRMATION---CHEERLEADING YOUR FRIEND
Another way to assist a friend is through affirmation. “People have a way of becoming what you encourage them to be,” said U. L. Moody, “not what you nag them to be.”The absence of affirmation can cut deep.
Whatever you do, never assume that your friend---or your spouse and children, for that matter---know how you feel about them. Everyone needs to be told from time to time. Please, don't put it off until you end up regretting your procrastination.
posted by xaverri at 5:39 pm
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